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Assuming the Worst: Why My Boss’ Critical Feedback Wasn’t What I Thought

Said Ketchman

Director of Engineering at The New York Times

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Problem

"Over the course of a year, I had developed a great relationship with my boss and had received really good feedback from performance reviews, and there were no red flags or major problem areas. However, a few months later, I started receiving a lot of critical feedback from my boss. I wasn't sure where it was coming from and it made me feel vulnerable and unsure of my standing."

"I started receiving a lot of critical feedback from my boss. I wasn't sure where it was coming from and it made me feel vulnerable and unsure of my standing."

"The first few pieces of feedback were okay, but when more started coming, I began to feel unappreciated and defensive. My morale started to waver because I thought it was unfair that my boss was not giving me the benefit of the doubt on the issues. I was sure this feedback was coming from people in my team complaining to him, and I was worried that he had lost some confidence in me as a result of this feedback."

"When more started coming, I began to feel unappreciated and defensive. My morale started to waver because I thought it was unfair that my boss was not giving me the benefit of the doubt on the issues."

"I decided I needed to address my frustrations with him and come to my own defense. While some of the items he brought up were valid pieces of criticism, I felt others weren't. I also felt unappreciated with the sudden barrage of feedback, especially because I was already doing more work than most of the other managers."

"I decided I needed to address my frustrations with him and come to my own defense."

"What was at stake was my reputation with my boss, which was important as I was looking for my next promotion to senior manager or director. I was working so hard for it, and felt like I was being undermined by either my peers or people who reported to me. I also had other opportunities within the company or even elsewhere, so I was thinking of considering my options if my boss had really lost confidence in me."

"What was at stake was my reputation with my boss, which was important as I was looking for my next promotion to senior manager or director."

Actions taken

"I had to take a deep breath and process what was going on. I didn't understand how, in a matter of a few weeks, my boss could go from thinking of me as rock star, to thinking the worst of me."

"I had to take a deep breath and process what was going on."

"The first thing I did was write out all my points and frustrations. Then, I went through that list and looked at what was based on assumptions and what was based on fact. I realized that most of what I had written down was based on assumptions I had made. I had assumed my boss was upset with my performance, but he hadn't told me that directly. He was simply giving me feedback, but I made assumptions about his intentions and feelings."

"The first thing I did was write out all my points and frustrations. Then, I went through that list and looked at what was based on assumptions and what was based on fact."

"I threw out everything that was based on my assumptions and rewrote my talking points for the next meeting with my boss. I decided to simply put the question to him and ask if everything was alright or if there was anything I should be concerned about."

"I threw out everything that was based on my assumptions and rewrote my talking points for the next meeting with my boss."

"When I met with my boss, I did exactly that. Instead of starting off assuming he was upset, I assumed everything was still fine. I asked him if I should be concerned about the feedback and that I wanted to know if anything was going on. He then discussed his own personal frustrations, before stating that I was doing a great job."

"When I met with my boss, I did exactly that. Instead of starting off assuming he was upset, I assumed everything was still fine."

"The conversation went on with us discussing common frustrations and how we both could make things better within our organization. The meeting ended on a really high note, and he said he looked forward to us talking more about it all."

"The conversation went on with us discussing common frustrations and how we both could make things better within our organization."

Lessons learned

"The biggest lesson, and it's one that I can't stress enough, is do not make assumptions. Assumptions are your enemy, especially when dealing with others. It might not be your boss, it could be a peer, a direct report, or even a family member. If you assume people's intentions, you're most likely going to get it wrong."

"The biggest lesson, and it's one that I can't stress enough, is do not make assumptions."

"I like to think of a text message example, when you read someone's message and assume their tone. It's the same thing with any interaction with a person. If you're unclear of their intent, you need to find a way to ask and clarify. If you assume, you're most likely going to make a situation worse or not understand the issue properly."

"If you're unclear of their intent, you need to find a way to ask and clarify."

"Going forward, I plan to make it a habit to evaluate my position and make sure it's not based on assumptions. If it is, I'm going to stop myself and start from the beginning again. This will allow me to always have the upper hand and to never unintentionally set myself up for an embarrassing situation."

"Going forward, I plan to make it a habit to evaluate my position and make sure it's not based on assumptions."


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Said Ketchman

Director of Engineering at The New York Times


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